Parenting on Purpose  …and in peace

Children communicate through their behavior. Some behaviors are due to emotional needs that they need to have met. Needs drive behavior. When children are assimilating information about how to get their needs met, they may learn unhealthy/unhelpful ways of getting those needs met. Parents tend to give more attention to negative behaviors than positive behaviors, so a child quickly learns how to get attention/needs met. Unfortunately, they continue to do this and part of the process of learning NEW and HEALTHIER ways of getting their needs met begins with unlearning the old behaviors

1. Learn to pay POSITIVE attention to your child. Where you place your attention is what expands (if your are noticing only negative behaviors and “feeding” them with your attention, this is how your child knows how to get your attention.)
2. Use your powerful attention to gain compliance. Show approval immediately and be specific! *
3. Give more effective commands. Get your child’s attention. Say what you mean. Do not present a command as a question (“I need you to…”). Do not give too many commands at once. Reduce all distractions. Ask child to repeat back.
4. Teach your child not to interrupt your activities. (Practice, play as a game). Have an object that your child can give to you so that when you are finished, you know to check in with them).
5. Set up home token system.   (See attached example)…do not take tickets/chips away, but you can “charge” for violation or service (make it playful/fun – have a “ticket” (like a police officer would give) for violation and charge. Always give child a chance to “pay off debt” with another service or chore.
6. Learn to discipline misbehavior constructively (we want our children to learn from the Missed-takes!) Always ask yourself, “Is this helping my child learn better ways of behaving?”
7. Expand your use of time-out. Let your child help you figure out ways to calm down, how “time out” can be an effective place to re-group, think a new thought and start again. Make sure if your child is “removed” from you that they do not feel cut off from your love. “I need you to be in your room or a quiet place to calm down right now. I love you. Your behavior is not acceptable right now.”
8. Learn to manage child in public places. Set up rules in advance (practice, if necessary). Set up an incentive for child’s compliance (earn extra tickets for desired behavior, or a special treat). Decide in advance what consequence will be for non-compliance.

1. What are you focusing on? (Best or worse? Love or fear?)
2. How can you encourage your child to make the best choice?
3. What need is not being met? What is your child “communicating” with the behavior?

When your child makes a mistake or makes a wrong choice, do you ‘miss the lesson” by saying I told you so? It’s a great time to say, “Wow…that is so hard. I’m so sorry.”You can turn resistance into cooperation. This teaches cooperation. You do this by asking your child to stop and think it through.

State child’s positive motive: You wanted _________________ (state the skill the child used), so you ________________________, (state the limit and why), you may not _______________, __________________ hurts. Then tell your child what you want them to do. (EXAMPLE: “You wanted your brother to look at you so you hit him. You may not hit. Hitting hurts. When you want him to look at you, say his name.” (Now have your child practice and then celebrate the better choices). Describe, State Limit, Teach, Encourage!

P – Problem (who owns it?)

E – Can you EMPATHIZE with your child?

A – Are you ASKING your child to think it through? (STOP, THINK, CHOOSE)

C – Are you CLEAR, CONCISE, CALM and CENTERED?

E – do you ENCOURAGE your child to come up with their own solutions?

O – Do you give your child OPTIONS ?

U – Do you clearly UNDERSTAND the problem (all behavior is a language?)

T – do you TELL it like it is? (“When you __________ (behavior), I feel __________.”

1. The Power of Attention: What you focus on, you get more of.

Say what you WANT not what you DO NOT want. (When you are upset – you are focused on what you don’t want!)

Discipline yourself first – Be specific & assertive

2. The Power of Love: See the best in one another.
3. The Power of Acceptance: The moment is as it is.
4. The Power of Perception: No one can make you angry without your permission.
5. The Power of Intention: Conflict is an opportunity to teach.
6. The Power of Free Will: The only person you can make change is yourself.

If you catch yourself saying, “How can I make my child _______?” change the question to, “How can I help my child to be more likely to choose to _______?”

7. The Power of Unity: Focus on connecting instead of trying to be “special”.

Parents who have mastered self-control are able to do the following

• Focus on what they want the child to accomplish.
• Celebrate the child’s successes and choices.
• See situations from the child’s perspective, as well as their own.
• Creatively teach the child how to communicate their wishes & frustrations with words, in any acceptable manner.
• Hold the child accountable to those teachings.

Every conflict offers an opportunity to teach!

1. The skill of composure: Living the values you want your child to develop – this teaches integrity. – Don’t react from fight/flight…unhook and own your own upset.
2. The skill of assertiveness: Saying no and being heard. This teaches respect.
3. The skill of making choices: Building self-esteem and willpower. This teaches commitment.
4. The skill of encouragement: honoring your children so they can honor you. This teaches interdependence.
5. The skill of attributing positive intent: turning resistance into cooperation. This teaches cooperation.

State child’s positive motive: You wanted _________________ (state the skill the child used), so you ________________________, (state the limit and why), you may not _______________, __________________ hurts. Then tell your child what you want them to do. (“You wanted your brother to look at you so you hit him. You may not hit. Hitting hurts. When you want him to look at you, say his name.” (Now have your child practice and then celebrate the better choices). Describe, State Limit, Teach, Encourage!

6. The skill of empathy: handling the fusses and the fits. This teaches compassion.

            Reflect back what you see, feel and hear.

7. The skill of consequences: helping children learn from their mistakes. This teaches responsibility.